Masturbation – Self Love – Pulling the Wanker – Petting the
Cat
What ever you call it masturbation is a part of life. Some
people call it a sin other’s think it’s dirty. “You’ll grow hair on your palms.”
or “You’ll go blind” Remember those lies? For some strange reason some Christian
pastors think masturbation is a form of homosexuality. Comparing masturbation
to homosexuality is a huge stretch and totally wrong. And now since I’ve
brought up homosexuality I have to pull out one of my favorite Jerry Seinfeld
lines – Not that there’s anything wrong with that – the homosexuality of course,
not the other junk about Christian pastors.
If you masturbate you aren’t homosexual. Guys stroking off
in front of a mirror, pulling their meat and watching their body react isn’t
homosexual behavior. Girls slipping their fingers in their underwear, sliding their
thumb against their clit and feeling it grow hard between their fingers,
there’s nothing homosexual about that.
Most men think of women when they are masturbating. If a
variant image of a man pops into their head while they are all plumped up with
nowhere to go but in their own hand that isn’t homosexuality either.
Of course anyone who knows me knows that I’m all fine with
two guys stripping naked, pelvis to pelvis, hard cock to hard cock, their lips
come together tentatively at first then hungrily as they plunder each other’s
mouths, sucking and nipping as they take and give of their bodies. Slowly one
of them drops to his knees and smiles up at the other then his tongue darts
out, flicking the end of....Well you get the picture. Now if you’re ready to
masturbate over that scene, great. If you’re a heterosexual male or a lesbian
I’m sorry, I’m just not good at doing female on female action.
So why is masturbation seen so negatively. For some reason
people still see self-pleasure as a negative activity. People feel guilty if
they masturbate. They think that they are defective or have something wrong
with them. None of that is true.
I know I’m going to piss people off when I say this, but God
doesn’t care if you masturbate. People will toss out ridiculous bible quotes
that are taken in the wrong context. Masturbate if you will, but God doesn’t
care.
It’s none of your mother or father’s business if you
masturbate. Don’t spooge all over their furniture but your parents/grandparent
or others in the line of ancestry shouldn’t care about your self-love and if
they do, tough cookies for them.
So how do you talk to your kids about masturbation? If you have kids eventually you are going to have to bring up the subject. First off never make them feel like there is something wrong with them if they masturbate. If you watch any popular media or listen to the radio your kids have heard the word. Might as well get used to the idea of saying those words in front of them. Say it out loud now --Masturbation- If you're in a coffee shop just don't say it too loud, the other patrons might look at your funny.
Like I said, if your kids are older than 3rd grade and have watched TV or even left the house then they have heard the word. What do you want them to know about masturbation? If you're reading this and think masturbation is wrong I don't know what to say. Please seek counseling. Masturbation is a part of growing up. Masturbation is cheap, easy and won't get you sick. Nowhere in the bible does it say masturbation is a sin. It does say don't whack off and go to church without cleaning up. I mean come on, who wants to smell fresh spunk at church.
Your kids are going to do it anyways and who do you want them talking to about sex? Crazy Freddie from gym class or you? Crazy Freddie can hook them up with some sweet stuff but you can help them grow up with a healthy attitude towards sex.
Some people masturbate to images or movies. Other’s like a
little action with another person and masturbate in groups or on chat lines.
Some people have active imaginations and just go at it because of their
thoughts.
If you’ve never masturbated and you want to try then move to
a private room sit back and relax. Touch yourself and see what you come up
with. I guarantee it will be a good time.
Masturbation has been around since the dawn of time so I’ve
included a great scene from the movie Il Compleanno and listed of a few songs that highlight the glories of masturbation,
ending with my favorite Longview by Green Day. So go bite your lip and close
your eyes and slip on into paradise.
13. Darling Nikki by Prince
12. Icicle by Tori Amos
11. Coin Operated Boy by The Dresden Dolls
10. Orgasm Addict by the Buzzcocks
9. Dancing With Myself by Billy Idol
8. The Keys to Her Ferrari by Thomas Dolby
7. Turning Japanese by The Vapors
6. All Revved up With No Place to Go by Meat Loaf
5. Epic by Faith No More
4. She Bop by Cindi Lauper
3. I Touch Myself by DiVinyls
2. Blisters in the Sun by The Violent Femmes
1. Longview by Green Day
